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Why is it that some people can let upsetting things from their day easily slip through their fingers, while others can hold onto upsets for days?

Is being the Master Grudge-Holder something innate, or is it a learned behavior? If you think about how your parents managed upsetting situations and how long they lingered, you may gain insight into why you handle situations the very same way.

If you can take a step out of how you "normally" handle situations and are willing to experiment with your children in breaking the cycle of "long-standing grudges", you may find it helps you as well.

Children, especially when young, are true to their feelings and have no difficulty in bellowing out a scream, or hurling themselves to the ground in the middle of the toy store. What's interesting, if you think about it, is that you can become completely enraged over your child's tantrum, as if you were the one upset in the first place. Yet this wasn't even your upset.

Take the example of a typical outing to the grocery store with a loving, but strong-willed three-year-old. Perhaps you can already feel the knot in your stomach just thinking about it. You make it successfully to the checkout line and your child wants candy. Who wouldn't want candy? Even though you have stated calmly that you will not be buying candy this morning, he/she proceeds to break into the dreaded "tantrum".

You try to remain calm, but eventually begin yelling back when the idol threats are ignored. Eventually you heave your screaming child over your shoulder and leave the store. Your heart is racing, your child's still screaming and you get in the car, happy that there is such a thing as child restraints.

The difficult part is that once your child has calmed down and you have had the conversation about the inappropriate behavior, or have even placed him/her in time out, you still feel infuriated. Your child, on the other hand, is merely going to take your lead on this one. How long does it take you to calm down from an event like this?

If you can learn to keep this event in perspective, you and your child can learn a valuable lesson. Here are some things to consider:

1- Look closely at what really occurred. Your child wanted candy and was willing to go to battle for it.
2- You were able to finish your food shopping and your child did get the message that this was not the way to go about getting things.
3- You were embarrassed by his/her behavior.
4- The incident is over.

Given those facts, it is now time to start the important part of the learning process: teaching your child the act of forgiveness. Although you may still be feeling upset, use your child's time-out as a way for you to regroup as well. Teach your child that after some time alone and many deep breathes, you are willing to start over. Teach your child that you are willing to forgive his/her behavior. After all, we have all had irrational moments, even as an adult, and have prayed for forgiveness.

When you and your child regroup, acknowledge the positive (even if your heart is still racing a bit).

"I am so glad to see you are feeling better."

Then offer something positive. This is not a reward for the bad behavior, but for the good behavior he/she is now displaying. It can be something simple like a hug or a peaceful activity that you can do together.

Most importantly, be patient with yourself and your child. After a few times of learning to forgive and move forward, you will see that upsetting times like these are not nearly as upsetting when you can let them go as quickly as they arrived. In the end, you will be raising a forgiving child, who can take the good and the bad, all in stride. It's a valuable lesson for all of us!

For more information about how to reach the potential you're capable of, visit her website at http://www.LesleyGeller.com

or e-mail her at Lesley@LesleyGeller.com

By Lesley Geller

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