Kids Raised Right

Define a Problem You Can Solve
 

When giving a directive, do not use the word please. Now, I suspect that this bit of advice feels wrong to you. You want to be nice. You want to model courtesy to your children. You may think, "I expect them to use this word with me, why shouldn't I use it with them?" And you would be right in each case. But let's examine this further.

As with the use of directives versus requests, the word "please" indicates that the child has an option regarding compliance. If the child does indeed have a choice, if it's not essential that they perform the behavior, then by all means say please. But if the child has no choice, if you as the parental authority are directing the child, the word please suggests not courtesy but confusion, not civility but inconsistency. The confusing message is "Please, you have to do this."

We use please when someone is doing us a favor, as in "Could you please get the door for me?" or "Please pass the salt." But when you are using your authority as a parent to direct your child, who must do what you expect, the use of the word please does not fit with the rest of the message.

While your tone may be pleasant, you are not requesting a personal service. When you say "Get down off the table" or "Stop screaming," please is not indicated and is, in fact, confusing--"Are you telling me (in which case I have to comply) or asking me (in which case it's my option)?

The use of the word please flattens the hierarchy. When you are in a relationship where there is no hierarchy--that is, there is no one in charge, such as a gathering of friends--then please is clearly the word to use. But your family--at least a well-functioning one--should be a hierarchy with the parent as its head. As such, you need not say please unless, once again, the child is doing you a service and has the option to decline.

Similarly with thank you. The phrase thank you indicates that the child has done you a personal favor. When your children complete a chore, clean their mess, or stop writing on the wall, they are not, as pleased as you may be, providing a service to you. They are simply being responsible for themselves and doing what needs to be done as you, the person with the more wisdom, has decided needs to be done.

There is no more ridiculous parental communication than when the child is doing something which is clearly improper and the parent asks them to please stop doing it and then thanks them when they finish. "Would you please stop setting fire to the cat? Thank you." Or "Would you please get down from the china cabinet? Thank you." By now you know that there are three things wrong with those examples: Please, Thank You, and that it was a request, not a directive.

It is clearly your obligation to teach and model courtesy. But courtesy is not called for in every circumstance that you encounter with your child. While you will have numerous opportunities to be polite to your children and model those manners for them, situations where compliance is expected are not among them.

So, if your child needs to do the behavior because you have decided so, and it is a matter of their individual responsibility rather than a personal favor to you, use a directive instead of a request and avoid the use of please and thank you.

You will have plenty of opportunity to make civil requests and to model civility to your children. Combining the directive with the absence of please and thank you is one of many ways that the family hierarchy is supported. It helps avoid further problems that may stem from confusion about who is ultimately in charge.

DEFINE A PROBLEM YOU CAN SOLVE When you're faced with a problem with your kids, your first step toward finding a solution is to define the problem in a way that it can be solved. If you're like many parents, you've been misled by some experts to over-psychology your view of behavior problems. This has likely caused you, when faced with a concern presented by your child, to over-analyze the situation rather than take action to produce a solution.

The experts have encouraged you to be more interested in elusive concepts like motivation, causation, and process rather than, on the other hand, solutions and outcomes. It is no wonder that you are confused and uncertain; you have been instructed to focus your attention on vague and invisible concerns such as self-esteem and feelings rather than dealing with things you can actually see, hear, and know: behavior, actions, performance, and compliance.

So to the contrary, I urge you to be less concerned about unknown and unknowable psychological concerns and instead direct your attention to helping your children behave as you believe they should. A central organizing principle for me is this: if your children are doing the right thing, they will likely feel the way they want to feel and have the requisite self-esteem; if they are not doing the right thing, it will be very difficult for them to feel good about themselves.

For example, you might say that the problem is that your child has a bad attitude, or that he is immature, irresponsible, disrespectful, or suffering from low self-esteem. Or you might talk in diagnostic categories--my child is bipolar or ADHD. But none of these things are problems--they are merely adjectives or diagnoses.

The problem is what your child does or doesn't do. To solve the problem, there is no need for your child's attitude to change or for him to mature; your child need not be cured of whatever diagnosis he's been classified under. But it is likely the case that your child needs to do something different, and what you want him to do or refrain from doing is abundantly clear to you.

So let's start at the beginning, by defining a solvable problem. None of those previous descriptions are solvable problems. They best way to define the problem is in terms of behavior--that is, what you can see and what you can hear. If you can't see it or hear it, forget about it. And right away, your job is easier.

Now, I am not saying that your child's feelings are unimportant. A parent certainly needs to attend to a child who is sad, for instance. But what I am saying is that trying to change a child's feelings or attitude is difficult if not impossible to do, and is usually unnecessary. And it is typically not your child's feelings or attitudes that are troublesome, it is what you see or hear them do. So your work is a lot easier and solutions more likely if you simply keep your focus on behavior.

For example, like a lot of parents you probably concern yourself with your child's attitude. You have probably made some sort of comment to him like, "Young man, that attitude needs to change and change right now" or "There'll be no more of that attitude around here." But attitude--what kids think, believe, value, or prefer--is not the issue. Kids can think whatever they want--and they will. But my hope is that in your family they can't do whatever they want.

If you get caught up in trying to change the way they think, you're doing two things: 1. something that is likely impossible and 2. dealing with something that is invisible. Don't try to do the impossible with the invisible.

As you focus more on solutions, compliance, and performance and less on mysterious and hard-to-grasp psychological concerns, you receive a double bonus: you have a well-behaved and responsible child as well as a well-adjusted one, and one with whom you will likely enjoy a satisfying relationship.

by Dennis Bumgarner, ACSW, LCSW